The cast of Vanderpump Rules, which recently began its eleventh season. (Bravo and Peacock)

You want to look away but you can’t. Actually, you can, but for the purposes of this analysis, we didn’t.

Logline: Best known as one of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump opens the salacious kitchen doors of her exclusive Hollywood restaurant and lounge, SUR.

Logline for Season 10, Episode 15 “#Scandoval”: Ariana discovers Tom is having an affair with one of her best friends. [Tom] Schwartz panics when the scandal threatens to upend their business. Raquel files for a restraining order against Scheana after an alleged altercation. (IMDb)

Logline for Season 11: With resentments, forgiveness and shifting alliances, they attempt to navigate the lines drawn in the sand while rebuilding friendships, developing their businesses and healing from past relationships. (Bravo)

Season 11 premiere aired on Jan. 30. Watch party occurred on Friday, Feb. 2.

Plenty of traditional reviews exist on this TV series. Let’s look at it through an equity and inclusion lens.

**

Wow. Oh my gosh. So much to discuss. Where to start?

I haven’t watched reality TV since the early-2000s, when Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother and others were new and at the height of their popularity. (Paradise Hotel was a short-lived favorite.)

So when two friends ─ let’s call them Alice and Betty ─ invited me to indulge in their secret, guilty pleasure, Vanderpump Rules, I jumped at the chance to see what’s changed in “unscripted entertainment,” to use the industry term, over the past two decades.

Answer: Not much.

We eagerly awaited our watch party for the Season 11 premiere, and after a delicious dinner of Chopstickers and Crumbl Cookies, they graciously provided this Vanderpump Rules “virgin” a recap of previous seasons.

The following analysis is based on the final episode of Season 10, the first episode of Season 11, and the “after party” in which the featured actors thrilled us with their incisive and scintillating analysis of the season premiere [insert sarcasm here].

The CliffsNotes version: The young staff of Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant make and break friendships and romantic relationships among themselves, and eventually make enough money from the reality show ($10,000 per episode is Betty’s estimate) to quit their day jobs and obsess over the minutiae of the various stages of their relationships, from besties to frenemies, and from cohabitating couples to divorced singles sharing custody of their fluffy little dogs.

The cast’s diversity consists of hot British guy James who is in a seemingly happy relationship with his sweet and much-younger girlfriend Ally. He’s bitchy enough for both of them. It would be fun to be his friend…but watch out if you get on his bad side.

That’s pretty much it.

Choose Your Own Drinking Game

Drink every time (1) a plane flies directly over James and Ally’s new Burbank home and they glance sheepishly at each other (2) Scheana cries over a frenemy (3) Tom Schwartz says or does something dumb (4) Katie mentally rolls her eyes at Tom Schwartz (5) Tom Sandoval lies (6) Ariana cries over Tom Sandoval, and (7) Lisa Vanderpump listens sympathetically when all of the above visit her for words of wisdom.

Quotes from the Watch Party

“He is such a bad actor.”
“This is so fake. I don’t believe it.”
“Do you think this is staged?”
“Why is he visiting people who hate him?!” “The producers arranged it.” “Is this his apology tour?”
“He is so dumb.”
“Whaaaaat?”
“Noooooo.”
“Ewww.”

Thoughts During the Watch Party

“Who raised these people?”

“Their families can’t be happy they’re in this show.”

“I’ll have one more cookie.”

Statistics

Number of nature-themed baby names: 2 (Ocean, Summer Moon)

Number of ex-romantic partners in this friend group: 6 (Katie and Tom Schwartz were married, Ariana is James’ ex, Tom Sandoval cheated on Ariana with Rachel who now goes by “Raquel”)

Number of bars and eateries opened by the cast: 4 (TomTom, Schwartz & Sandy’s, Something About Her, SUR)

Number of racists: 1 (Kristin, who got kicked off the show in a previous season, and is now starring in The Valley, another Lisa Vanderpump-executive produced show)

Number of restraining orders issued: 1 (by Ariana against Rachel/Raquel…or is it the other way around?)(Correction by Betty: issued by Sheana against Rachel/Raquel)

Number of times the f-bomb is spoken during a flashback: 3 (“Shut the f___up…Shut the f___up….Shut the f___up”)

Number of times an affair is foreshadowed during a flashback: 1 (Lala: “I think Tom has a thing for Raquel.” James: “Damn…”)

Number of times Tom Sandoval called Rachel/Raquel by the wrong name: 1 (“You just called me Ariana.”)

Number of betrayals: too numerous to count

Famous Last Words

Tom Sandoval explaining why he didn’t simply discuss with Ariana their relationship, and then break up like normal people, per Scheana: “I was going to tell her, but I just got the vibe she didn’t want to know” and “Ariana never asked” if he was cheating. 🤦🏻‍♀️

What If?

I’d love to know if these actors get together after a day of filming, and laugh about the antics and stunning betrayals they improv-ed on set. Maybe they’re secretly besties laughing all the way to the bank? One can wish.

Should You Watch This Series?

Probably not, unless you just want something mindless to have on in the background while you’re cooking or cleaning. It’s a show that will make you appreciate your own life more.

Sure, real life contains drama, but not to this extent. (At least mine doesn’t. Am I boring?)

They may have fancier clothes, but you’re much happier.

If you want to learn something, read the STEMinist novels of Ali Hazelwood, in which her physicist and neuroscientist protagonists regularly think or speak words such as petrichor, which I had to look up and which made me exclaim, “OMG, there’s a word for that?!” I mean, I’m a college graduate but unless you’re an environmental scientist who really loves rain ─ I’m looking at you, @suzqs_little_things ─ you probably wouldn’t know this. More on the author’s oeuvre coming soon.

Kat Valdez is a Colorado-based hiker and novice pianist who writes about pop culture, equity and inclusion, and more.

TheDefiantCurtsy.com: Pop culture through an equity and inclusion lens